


this song is for you

by sugdensrobert



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Songfic, break-up, not connected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-12-01 00:10:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11474526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert
Summary: a collection of fics based on songs because let's be real basically every song is robron.





	1. Hard feelings of love

_Let’s give it a minute before we admit that we’re through._

They were sitting next to each other. They had been sitting like this for about 15 minutes, just in silence, lost in their own thoughts that were very likely pretty much the same. Both knew that this was it, the moment they both expected to come at some point. They thought they could do it, get through this mess. But they had been living like this too long; not really speaking, no touching, just living together nothing more than that.

Aaron spoke first: ‘’Robert I…’’ Robert looked at him eyes already filling with tears, he couldn’t keep them in. “I know what you’re going to say, it’s ok’’. Aaron looked down at his feet, not wanting to look at Robert any longer, scared that if he looked at him he wouldn’t be able to say it. “It doesn’t have to be forever, I just… I don’t know I think … I can’t be around you right now, I love you but with the baby and… “ he trailed off. The tears were rolling down his cheek, he was still looking down at his feet.

Robert wanting to ask all sorts of questions; did Aaron mean it, could it really just be a short break, did he still forgive Robert. He knew it wasn’t fair though, to ask these questions. He knew Aaron deserved better than him. He already had Aaron longer than he deserved, Robert finally got what he deserved. “Robert?” Aaron was finally looking at him, Robert had to fight the urge to wipe away Aaron’s tears. He nodded. ‘’I will pack my things’’, he gave him a small smile, he hoped his smile said all he wanted to say to Aaron, that he knew it was all his fault, and that Aaron was doing the right thing. He slowly got off the couch, and headed upstairs. He heard Aaron’s small sobs. Robert closed the door of their bedroom and started crying, face in his hands so that Aaron couldn’t him crying.

 

Robert was staying in the B&B. Aaron told him that he could stay in the mill for a bit and that he could stay in the pub but Robert insisted. After all the mill was Aaron and Liv’s, he didn’t belong there, he never really did.

 

**Aaron**

_It's time to let go of this endless summer afternoon._

They had been apart for two weeks now. They both knew this was the right thing to do, a good thing even. They couldn’t hang onto their marriage anymore; not like this, Aaron needed space and that is what he deserved. Rob also knew that he had to sort himself out, because if they did end up back together again, Aaron deserved the best version of Robert. After the reveal, they definitely had good days, Aaron had forgiven Robert, but of course the baby was something that wasn’t easy to get past and just forget about. Aaron had no idea how Robert really felt about the baby and what he wanted, and in all honesty Aaron wasn’t sure either, he didn’t know whether he would be able to cope with the baby.

Aaron loved Robert but between the reveal and the breakup he was starting to get thoughts that almost scared him and made him panic; he started wishing that he could stop loving Robert. He never thought of all the bad things Robert did to him before they got back together, but recently his brain had started bringing these events up again and the thoughts and feelings that came with them; almost as if it wanted to tell Aaron something. I care for myself the way I used to care about you. Aaron tried to just move on with his life. He threw himself into work and found himself quite often in the pub with Adam. He tried to forget about Rob, but how could he. He loved him so much, even though he hurt him so often. He also couldn’t help worrying about him, the thing was that Robert didn’t really have any friends, so he didn’t really go out, he was probably just focusing on work. They didn’t text each other, it was sort of an unspoken rule, Aaron knew that Robert wouldn’t send a text first because he thought he didn’t deserve to, and when Aaron didn’t send any texts it just didn’t happen.

Aaron wanted to sort himself out, and along with hanging out with his best mate more than he has done in ages, he also went back to counselling. They talked about everything; Robert, the baby, Rebecca, and also Gordon and prison. His counsellor also told him to just focus on himself for now, not thinking of some sort of time limit for this break, just live as if it definitely were a breakup and see how he’d feel.

 

**Robert**

_These are what they call hard feelings of love_

Robert never felt anything quite like it. He had never loved anyone as much as he loved Aaron, and this hurt, it hurt so much. He just wanted to see Aaron’s face, he wanted to know if he was alright, what he was up to. The less selfless side of him wanted to know if Aaron thought of him, and if he wanted him back. Robert wanted nothing more. He kept telling himself to look for somewhere more permanent to live, a way of telling himself that he wasn’t going to get Aaron back. Part of the problem was that he wasn’t sure what ‘this’ was, was it indeed a break, Robert wanted to speak to Aaron so badly but he knew that Aaron needed space. He tried to get used to the idea of this being a permanent breakup. He already had him weeks longer than he thought he would have. He also still wore his ring, he hated himself for it, was sure that Aaron didn’t. But he just couldn’t take it off, it reminded him of the time he did in January, what led to Aaron beating up Kasim and prison…. he stopped himself in his thoughts.

He hardly slept, his nightmares kept him awake and if not his endless thoughts and worries would.. He wasn’t dealing with things at all, ignored all calls from Victoria and avoiding Rebecca and talking about the baby and his involvement at all costs, he just kept himself locked in his room and worked from there. He was in a sort of denial that this was really happening, that after lusting after Aaron for so long, hurting him so many times to finally having him and actually marrying him, he had lost him again, and it was all his fault.

 

**Aaron**

He was at his last session with his counsellor Lily. “So Aaron, we have talked about so many things over the last couple of weeks and I truly feel that you have made a lot of progress, may I ask you how you feel about Robert now, do you want to get back together, or want to continue this break a little longer”. She was smiling at him, Aaron couldn’t help think that the ‘this break’ sounded slightly sarcastic, he wasn’t sure what she thought was best to do, probably break up permanently, or maybe that was what Aaron would like her to think. As if she could read his mind she said “this is about you, what do you want to do?”. He gathered his thoughts for a second and took a deep breathe. “ I don’t know whether this will make any sense”. “Try me”.

“I love Robert and I wish that was enough, but I honestly don’t think it is. I don’t trust him, I thought I did, than he messed up and.. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again, and I am scared that in the long run this will ruin us, the lack of trust will worry me, make me paranoid, and I don’t want that for the both of us, I think I might start to, uh almost resent him because he makes me that kind of person, paranoid”. Lily was looking at Aaron knowing that there was more that he needed to say, she waited and he continued. “I never thought I would marry and especially not Robert, and it still baffles me how far we’ve come, and it sounds sad but that’s probably almost why I don’t want it to end. I don’t think I will ever find someone who I love as much as him. I like to believe we are soulmates but at the same time we are each other’s enemies and just not right for each other. I don’t know, I just don’t know.” “I think you do Aaron”.

Lily was looking at him kindly she was smiling encourage. “I think it’s over” Aaron said, tears were streaming down his cheeks. “There’s no doubt in my mind that he loves me, I know he does, so much. I just can’t do it, not now…”. He was surprised that he managed to get all his thoughts out fairly clearly, probably because he had been having these thoughts for weeks now.

“Robert was the one that helped you through so much, but now he is the one breaking your heart, and you don’t know how to deal with it”. Aaron felt his heart sink, because this was exactly what it was, wasn’t it. “Yeah” was all he managed to choke out.

_Cause I remember the rush, when forever was us_

_Before all of the winds of regret and mistrust_

Telling Robert was horrible. It was all just pretty horrible. They decided to keep the rings, maybe for that bit of hope they both needed. Because they never got legally married there weren’t too many papers to sort out. Aaron went to Ireland to get away from the village and Robert, so much had happened in the past year and he just wanted to get away from it all. Robert moved just outside Emmerdale. The moment they got married they both thought they had it all, that this was it, that they were going to be happy together. It was hard to believe that it was over so quickly. The thing was when it was good it was very good, they had an amazing sex life, they were each other’s best friend, and they loved, so much. But when it was bad it was ugly, and the fear of that outweighing everything else was too big, too big to carry on. He didn’t want to live his life not trusting Robert and being a paranoid husband. He didn’t regret meeting Robert, giving it another go, he didn’t even regret marrying him. The good moments are precious and he will always remember those. Robert had made him so happy, he showed that he could feel happiness again, and he will always be thankful for that. But maybe it did all go a bit fast, after Gordon’s trial, they got back together so soon and they were married a year later. Yes maybe that wasn’t the best idea, but he couldn’t change any of that now.

 

**Robert**

_Loved you every single day, made me weak, it was real for me, yup, real for me_

_Now I'll fake it every single day 'til I don't need fantasy, 'til I feel you leave_

_But I still remember everything, how we'd drift buying groceries, how you'd dance for me I'll start letting go of little things 'til I'm so far away from you, far away from you, yeah._

It’s been six months since their break-up. Aaron and Liv moved back to the pub, the Mill was sold. Robert moved to a small place just outside Emmerdale. He couldn’t bear the thought of moving far away again. He loved Vic and Diana and didn’t want to leave them, didn’t want to feel as alone as he felt when he moved away all those years ago. He didn’t want to stay in Emmerdale, he wanted to avoid bumping into Aaron a little too often. His first thought when hearing Emmerdale would always be Aaron and he couldn’t live in the place where he could have had a place where he belonged with his husband. Living just outside the village gave him the chance to really move on but at the same time stay close to his family and all the familiar faces he was so used to.

Robert had said it many times to Aaron; he had never loved anyone as much as he loved him. This would always be true. Nothing had ever felt as right as loving Aaron was. Every morning when he woke up alone he thought of the times when he woke up next to Aaron, he took it for granted, stupid really, he should have known it would never last. He thought of the times it was real having Aaron by his side, instead of just imagining it. He couldn’t help but be reminded of Aaron so many times on a daily basis; songs they used to listen to together, people who wore clothes like Aaron’s, even _words_ that Aaron often said.

It was incredibly hard to not have him by his side anymore. So what if he still imagined Aaron by his side? It seemed to be the only way to cope some days, it would often be his voice of reason.

Most of his money would go back into his little business he had built up. When he was with Aaron most of his money would be spent on things they would do together, now he rarely did anything that would be considered fun. Even so he had made quite a few new mates through his business, he slowly started to get into his new life.

Finally there were beginning to be days that he didn’t think of Aaron all day long and that he would imagine him next to him. Slowly he started letting go of Aaron, every day he felt him leave a bit more. He kept on remembering all the little things, all the good days and moments. How they would dance together to the radio in the kitchen, how Aaron would make him brew after brew when he was working on an important business deal, how they would go shopping together how Aaron would put all the unhealthy bits in the trolley laughing like a little kid, how they would go shopping for clothes Robert knowing his husband hated it so he would treat him to a nice meal afterwards.

As the months went on he started feeling further and further away from his life with his ex-husband. He slowly started letting go of everything about that life, including all the little moments, the domestic moments Robert held so dearly.

_**Maybe one day they could both let go of the lives they had together ( and could have had together) and live lives worth their own brand new memories.** _

 

(Hard Feelings - Lorde)


	2. Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jealous - Labrinth
> 
> Robert's out on a cold November day and bumps into Aaron and Alex
> 
> or
> 
> Robert sees Aaron and Alex and remembers ,once again, that there are so many things that he has lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning, if you don't like reading about Aaron and Alex being a couple; this chapter's probably not for you.
> 
> That being said, i hope you enjoy! :)

 

 

It was the middle of November, a sharp wind blowing through the village. Robert was on his way to the shop being ordered by Vic to buy some nice things.

_“Biscuits Robert! That’s what I mean by nice things, no alcohol please, I think you’ve had enough this week don’t you think?.”_

It had been (another) rough week, not that really was anything special, Robert couldn’t remember the last time he had a good week, he only had good days and those were also few and far between.

 

He didn’t really know whether things had gotten better or worse. Rebecca had left the village, after all was revealed. The baby’s wasn’t Robert’s. Rebecca had known all along.

He didn’t have to pretend anymore, he didn’t have to fake all the smiles and concern around Rebecca anymore, didn’t have to try and make himself care about the baby, his son. There was no worry anymore, about not being good enough for his son, he had been so scared that he wouldn’t feel anything when it came to his child. Because yes, most of the care and concern was put up, but deep down Robert had, slowly but surely, built up the idea of having a child. It was his only focus. He didn’t have Aaron anymore, no mates, and Vic and Diana had cared more about his unborn child than him, so focusing on his kid was the only thing for it.

That and trying to get Home Farm. Something that (also) failed. Once Chrissie started interfering, everything became a mess, his lies were about to be exposed so he decided to do the right thing, the first ‘right thing’ he’s done in a while; he decided to just stop. His son being his only focus meant that he couldn’t lose him and Rebecca finding out about his scheming would put his only focus in danger.

Now Robert truly felt like he had nothing, no scheming plans anymore which he could use to forget about Aaron. He now often just stayed inside, trying to get as much work done from home. Aaron made it perfectly clear there was no way back for them, so Robert (as much as he just wanted to see the younger man’s face) couldn’t bring himself to be at the scrapyard more than necessary. Especially now Aaron was officially dating Alex. _Alex._ The doctor he met because Liv was in hospital, which was basically Robert’s fault. The older man didn’t know whether to cry or scream whenever he thought about it now. He had cried though, a lot just after Charity told him.

 

::

Robert was at the pub having a drink with Jimmy after work.

_“Ey Sugden have you heard?”_

_“Have I heard what?”_

_“Aaron is dating Alex apparently, Liv told me.” Robert had been stunned, words failing him, he was struggling to breathe, he was sure Charity was joking, winding him up, it was Charity after all._

_“I thought they, he-“_

_“He was out of the picture?, oh no he clearly is in it again, guess Aaron had enough time to think things through while traveling through Europe.”_

::

 

So obviously this was the main reason to avoid Aaron, even though he craved any kind of contact with him-  His trains of thoughts suddenly stopped because of course, the one time he does go out, just to nip to David’s, there’s Aaron just across the road with _him_. They are facing the same way and luckily haven’t clocked him yet. Robert can’t help himself has to see whether they are holding hands, the thought of it makes him want to cry. He and Aaron didn’t do it often especially not in the beginning, but they had started doing it more and more just before everything went wrong, and it was one of the best things Robert had ever known, now it was just another memory of a wonderful feeling taken away from him. The older man is happy to see that no, they aren’t holding hands. He watches them go into David’s. Robert stilted and felt his heart clench. He could hardly cope with just seeing them walking together, he couldn’t deal with seeing them do the _domestic_ things, the things that Robert missed the most, just having somebody to do everything with like shopping and having evening meals together at the pub.

It started to rain, Robert felt like he was stuck to the floor, he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to go into the shop because there would be nowhere to hide from his (ex)husband and his new man. Returning home with no biscuits because Aaron was in the shop seemed like a pathetic excuse, so he had to just wait until they came out. He headed over to the bus stop to get some shelter, in that moment he felt absolutely defeated. Hiding from the man he loved so dearly, in the rain on his own, just because he needs to get some biscuits.

After what felt like ages, but probably only five minutes later, they both come out of the shop. Robert tries to make himself as small as possible, and looked down, and fiercely hoped that they wouldn’t look his way.

 

_I'm jealous of the rain_

_That falls upon your skin It's closer than my hands have been._

Robert couldn’t help quickly looking at them, he wish he hadn’t he didn’t think his heart could ache even more this morning, and he had only been outside for like twenty minutes.

He saw Aaron crunching up his face, in that adorable way and he heard him and Alex laughing realising that it was pouring now. He saw Alex touching his arm and dragging him away. It had been ages since Robert touched Aaron, he missed their little playful fights so much, another thing to add to the list. Just being able to touch Aaron was someone he had taken for granted.

 

_I'm jealous of the wind_

_That ripples through your clothes_

The wind started picking up and Robert saw it rippling through Aaron’s clothes, he was wearing a new coat, he looked really good in it. Aaron wasn’t one for shopping, did he go shopping with Alex?, or even worse did Alex buy that coat for him? He didn’t want to think about it. Aaron’s hair didn’t have any gel in it, Robert remembered how happy he was when Aaron started ditching the gel, he was able to run his hand through his husband’s hair with so much ease, the younger man always looking so much softer and younger with his fluffy hair. Robert felt the tears prickle. “Come on Sugden, get a grip just get the biscuits and go home.” He muttered to himself. He realised that today really was a bad day, he thought about Aaron and everything he had lost every day, but today it was worse than normal, actually seeing his ex-husband in the village. He knew he wouldn't be able to shake the feeling off for the rest of the day.

 

“Jeez Rob, where have you been that took absolute ages.”

“Uh yeah- I got held up.”

“Are you okay?” Vic was looking at her brother, concern visible in her expression.

“Yeah, yeah I am fine.” Robert avoided eye contact while packing away the biscuits. “I do have to do some emails now before I forget, so I am heading upstairs.” He quickly grabbed his laptop from the kitchen table and headed for the stairs.

“Oh yeah, sure.” Vic sounded disappointed. Robert felt bad but he really couldn’t face playing happy siblings with his sister, Vic would ask him what was wrong with him and he didn’t want to get into it, because it was nothing new was it? Robert felt sad about Aaron, it was hardly news. There was nothing she could say that could make it better anyway, he just wanted to be on his own.

 

_I'm jealous of the nights_

_That I don't spend with you_

Robert opened the bedroom door, _his_ bedroom door. Vic had often said that this was his home now, until he decided what he wanted to do. Robert only wanted his and Aaron’s bedroom in the house that he finished for them while Aaron was away, the happy memories there were so scarce. It should have been the place where they would grow old together, maybe with a little family of their own.

Now Robert slept in this single bed, lonely and cold. He tried very hard to suppress the thought of Aaron and Alex in _their_ bedroom, in _their_ house. He hadn’t had a decent night sleep in absolute ages, could only really sleep tangled up with Aaron. Together _everything_ was better.

 

_'Cause I wished you the best of_

_All this world could give_

He had accepted it, the it being that there really wasn’t a way back for them. Didn’t mean he could cope with it. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself just yet, he figured he'd give himself time to sort himself out, and try to allow himself to feel sad. What he did know for sure, was that he wanted Aaron to be happy, he deserved it so much, he had always deserved more than Robert.

 

_But I always thought you'd come back,_

_tell me all you found was_

_Heartbreak and misery It's hard for me to say,_

_I'm jealous of the way_

_You're happy without me_

Yes, Robert had hoped that Aaron had come back to him, telling him that he wanted them back, wanted their life together. Especially after the truth was revealed, and Robert wasn't going to be a dad after all. But that wasn't how things had worked out.

But he seemed happy to get on with things with Alex. Robert had always been the one causing the younger man pain, heartbreak and misery. Aaron made the right choice that day in July.

 

_As I sink in the sand_

_Watch you slip through my hands_

_Oh, as I die here another day, yeah_

_'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile_

It was Robert’s own fault, he had let the best thing to ever happen to him slip away. He knew nobody would ever ever compare to _him_ , to _Aaron_ it was clear that the younger man was content now, in a better place. It was heart breaking to say, to admit it to himself but Aaron was happier with Alex, or at least happier without Robert.

The older man signed while trying to focus on the emails, he needed to keep his business contacts close, at least this way he could make a new life for himself. Probably somewhere far away from here, from Aaron. The thought of making a new start was exhausting, he thought he was settled,  he thought he never had to think about starting again. Carrying a fake smile all day everyday was how he predicted his future to be now. He signed again, for good measure, heard Vic messing about in the kitchen and the wind picking up again outside. Memories of him and Aaron cuddled up together on the sofa, holding fresh mugs of tea flashing before his eyes. He opened his emails and started replying,,

 

**La fin x**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's been absolute ages since I posted a song fic, and I know it was another sad one, I am very sorry *hides*
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!  
> X


End file.
